If you have a young child who regularly attends a Nursery or Pre-school or anything where small kids gather en-masse, you will know that we are now rapidly approaching Germ-ageddon.
That’s right folks, November is coming – the start of the Nursery Bug Season. Four long months of snot mopping and Olbas Oil stained pillow cases. Four months of chesty coughs and conjunctivitis.
Four fucking months.
Like the incomprehensible idiot that I am, I’ve doubly screwed us this year by sending Finley to not just one but two germ packed breeding grounds. From next month he’ll be at his usual Nursery one day a week plus spending a morning at the local village
fight club Pre School.
So here’s how Germ-ageddon generally goes down…..
One crap, rainy morning in early November you take your child to Nursery, you remove their shoes, say goodbye and on the door you notice a little laminated sign:
‘Bug’ Alert Notice !!!!!
It will most likely be accompanied by several explanation marks and a completely irrelevant emoji.
We have been notified of cases of the Norovirus amongst our Pre-Schoolers. Please be vigilant for symptoms and keep your child at home if they are unwell.
Be vigilant for symptoms? Like playing dodge the projectile vomit isn’t obvious enough?
Look the sign is all very well and good but who exactly has the shits? That’s the information I need. You can tell me on the sly, I won’t tell. Is it one of the kids my son plays with? Is it that girl you say he always shares his snack with?
It’s her isn’t it? It’s her. Fucking Abigail.
For fucks sake.
You see the problem is, its not just the fact that your kid gets sick. It’s that your kid gets sick, you get sick, your whole house gets sick and The Butterfly Effect is disastrous.
Like an asteroid, if you will.
The first effect is that you cannot send your child back to Nursery.
Why The Fuck Not?
Well because a) that’s a terrible thing to do and you should be looking after your poorly baby, you despicable human being (hello to the judgy-mc-judgy-pants brigade!) and b) he will spread the fucking bug further and the Nursery Nazi task force will laminate a new sign – all about you.
What Does This Mean?
Well I’ll tell you what it fucking means. It means you take two days unpaid off work to look after your child. It means you’ve paid two days of Nursery fees upfront, that will not get refunded because apparently it’s not their fault .
This means you are literally £200 out of pocket and so for the last week of the month you have to put your food shop and petrol on your credit card.
See? The Fucking Butterfly Effect.
And in conclusion, there is absolutely nothing you can do about all this. The End Is Nigh, the Hand, Foot and Mouth is coming.
The Impertigo’s gonna get ya.
So God-speed and I’ll see you on the other side.